


Eupetisms

by MistyBeethoven



Series: Strange Couchfellows [5]
Category: John Wick (Movies)
Genre: Animal Hospital, Comedy, Cyst, Euphemisms, Gen, Iguana, Lizard, Robin Lord Taylor character, Sick Pet, Tongue-in-cheek, Vets, hamster - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2020-04-06 02:43:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19053628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistyBeethoven/pseuds/MistyBeethoven
Summary: The Administrator and John Wick go to the Vet's.





	Eupetisms

**Author's Note:**

> The fifth in a diverting and admittedly stupid series. Keanu says he will keep making John Wick films until people stop seeing 'em. I will stop writing these as soon as I stop getting stupid ideas for them.
> 
> Or as soon as I find better things to do with my time.

Coming in through the door, his tattooed laden arms filled with papers to be stamped in triplicate during his free time, the Administrator was informed by John Wick that Toby, his pet iguana, was not well.

"What makes you say that?" the Administrator inquired as he dropped the papers on the stand next to the couch.

"I used him as a stick to play fetch with my dog and he didn't run away this time."

The Administrator did not ask how many times this had occurred without his knowledge.

Surely enough Toby was lying in the middle of the apartment floor. He looked decidedly more yellow than green and his tongue was sticking out and dry; the iguana's tail, which was often curled, was laid out as stiff and straight as a toilet brush.

John Wick came to stand by the High Table pencil pusher and they both stared at the pathetic creature.

"Ever give mouth to mouth to a lizard?" the bureaucrat asked.

"I used to have to kiss my mother-in-law whenever she came over for the holidays," Wick replied thoughtfully.

While it seemed close enough, the Administrator chose to make an appointment at the Animal Hospital instead.

* * *

"My _yes_! He does look unkempt doesn't he?" the secretary at the Animal Hospital exclaimed. "Awfully big and hairy. What type of breed is he?"

"That isn't my pet," the Administrator scowled. "That's my houseguest."

"Oh," the brunette uttered.

"My pet is _this_ thing," the pierced man said and dropped his sickly lizard on the desk.

The iguana lay there on his back, its eyes bulging out to twice their usual size.

"What's the name?" the woman asked.

John Wick looked expectantly waiting to learn the other man's name for the first time.

"Toby," the Administrator said volunteering the name of the lizard only and the assassin's face fell. More than usual anyway.

"You can have a seat," the woman waved in the direction of the waiting room. "It's crowded but I'm sure you can find a chair."

It was vacant.

"Why did you have to bring your dog anyway?" the Administrator asked as John Wick chose to sit two chairs away from him, his Staffordshire Bull Terrier by his feet.

"For emotional support."

"That's nice."

"I know. I hate vets."

Both men sat in silence until they heard a squeaking at the bottom of the door that lead to the Animal Hospital's observation rooms. Suddenly a small fuzzy brown and white teddy bear hamster squeezed itself underneath the door.

It stopped to look at the Administrator and John Wick before scurrying across the floor. It had made it halfway before Wick's dog bent over, and with great speed, gulped it down in two seconds as if it was nothing more than an hors d'oeuvres on four legs.

The door opened three seconds later and a nurse stood behind a little girl in pigtails who could have been no more than six years old.

"Have either of you men seen a teddy bear hamster?" she asked. "He got away from the Doctor. His name is Sammy."

John Wick looked at the Administrator and the Administrator looked at John Wick.

"Did you see Sammy?" the assassin asked.

The Administrator shook his head, shrugged his shoulders and scrunched up his face. "No; I didn't see Sammy."

The nurse looked pensive and headed out the door all the while holding the six year old's hand. When they had both left the room, John Wick turned to his canine companion.

"Bad dog," the man chastised. The dog just panted happily, bits of white and brown fur speckling its tongue.

The door opened again and another nurse peered out into the waiting room. "Toby?" she asked looking inquisitively at both men.

The Administrator stood and the nurse lead him into the back of the building. Wick followed him like a shadow. The dog was left behind to eat whatever else happened across its path.

The nurse left them, a look of befuddlement on her face; shortly afterwards the Vet came into the room.

"Mr. Toby?"

"No. My Iguana is Toby," the Administrator said.

"And what should I call you?" the Vet asked.

John Wick looked hopeful.

"Call me the man with the dying iguana," the Administrator sneered.

John Wick looked hopeless.

The Vet examined the lizard. "He's not dying. He has a very bad abcessed cyst. I'll prescribe antibiotics. You'll need to squeeze the cyst every so often to remove the pus."

The animal Doctor showed the Administrator how to perform the action. John Wick looked on also. In all of their time working for a secret organization that behaved in the most cruel and inhumane way possible, where death was a constant and usually came in the most violent and bloody way imaginable, both men had never witnessed anything so gross and nauseating.

"It will probably fill up again. Do that yourself whenever it does," the Vet said. "Understand?"

The Administrator nodded but he wished to God that he didn't.

"Well! What are you doing here boy?" the Vet smiled finally seeing John Wick. "I thought I gave you your shots last week."

"You have him confused with some other poor beast," the Administrator corrected.

"Oh," the Vet said.

* * *

"I've got to go out," John Wick announced, standing at the door with his dog on a leash. It had been several hours since they had been at the Vet's and the Administrator knew in a few minutes Wick would be bending over in the park, using his pooper scooper on a large pile of shit that had once been white and brown and furry and had been owned by a six year old girl that wore pigtails. "You want to watch me walk the dog?"

The Administrator held out his arm; Toby was draped across it looking somewhat better. "Do you want to watch me drain the lizard?"

Without saying a word both men turned and headed in the opposite direction; the answer to both questions was the same.


End file.
